Monday, August 1, 2011


As I blogged about not too long ago, Nathan and I have been facing some financial struggles recently. One of the reasons these struggles shook me so hard is that for months we have felt like this would be the right decision for our family, so to have things be so terrible right from the beginning made me feel frustrated and helpless. 

In addition to these struggles, I've also been struggling with some depression since Deacon was born. I don't feel ready to talk about this pain because I'm still so much in the midst of it, but it has been an anxiety-ridden five months for me. I think that given the circumstances- having a baby, graduating, quitting work, mothering two under two alone etc. anyone would have some anxiety, but it's been a daily struggle for me. 

Anyway, about a month ago I had the opportunity to go to on a mission trip as a chaperone with the youth group from back home. At the time I thought I was going to get away, to have fun and to help people, because that's what I remember from mission trips when I was in the youth group. I could have never anticipated the calling God placed on my heart that week. All week long I just felt so convicted that I have not been living for Him, but merely existing. 

Since I got home, this has been a real struggle for me. I don't have a lot of friends in St. Joe, we don't have a good church family here, I'm so busy with the boys that most days I can't even seem to find time to read my Bible, and I generally feel like I'm wasting my days. NOT that I'm saying that as a stay-at-home mom, because I know these days are times I'll never get back with my children, but I mean as far as Christ is concerned. I struggle with the feeling I'm not doing anything of significance. 

To say it's been a hard time is an understatement. The other day as I was driving I had my iPod on shuffle and a Beth Moore feature from Travis Cottrell's album came on. Let me be really honest- I rarely listen to Christian music and I just happen to have only a few praise and worship albums on there, so this was a rare occasion. 

In the feature, Beth is speaking about Paul and Silas being imprisoned and beat, and how they continued to praise the Lord during their imprisonment until the walls came tumbling down. They worshipped in the darkest time in their life. Beth says the line that there is, "purification in persecution" and that if we don't have a negative force coming against us, we take worship for granted. She says we should "praise first, and feel it later...Earthquakes, at times, could be the very best things that ever happen to us." THEN Beth says, that often, "our first reaction is to feel shamed by it" and that's when ding! I realized, I'm not alone in this struggle. Every single person has their earthquakes they are facing, and that these earthquakes are gifts from God. There is a saying- 'Complacency is the enemy of progress'. Without something to shake me up, and rob me of my complacency, I could never progress in my relationship with the Lord.

Then today, I did something so out of my comfort zone. I attended a new church, by myself. And, would you believe that the preacher preached Philippians 1, which was written by Paul when he was imprisoned. And then tonight, I was lying in bed, trying to unwind and drift off to sleep, and I was reading blogs on my phone when I came to this post. I clicked the video because I have never heard Ashley's singing voice, which is beautiful by the way, but then as I listened to the lyrics, my breath caught in my throat. If you click Ashley's post you can read the song in its entirety, but here is a bit: 

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

God is sovereign. He's in control. And that is all I need to know to sleep peacefully tonight. As I write this I'm praying that you'll know this too. That you'll feel his love and peace that passes all understanding as I am tonight. 

Happy Monday friends. 


  1. Thank you so much!! I'm so touched to hear your heart and see your honesty. God hears, and He sees your struggle. Praying for you!

  2. I closed the laptop about an hour ago and tried to go to sleep. I prayed and then did my usual tossing and turning. I got back up and read this post. It was exactly what I needed to hear! I'm so happy to hear you got out of your comfort zone - something I need to work on.

  3. I needed to hear this today, Kodi! I'm definitely touched by your honesty!

  4. I think that right now you guys are going through your "storm". We've been hearing about this at church for a while now and it's been hitting me pretty hard as we're currently in our own "storm" over here. The thing is, we're never promised it's going to be easy, we're just promised that we WILL get through it and it WILL be worth it. Keep fighting Kodi. I think you are so much stronger than you even realize.


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