The Other Shoe

I might have written a post like this already, but I just need to blog it out. Did you know blogging is free and therapy isn't? ;) Anyway, here goes.

I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am so frustrated that Nathan and I are coming up on our seventh wedding anniversary, and things aren't any easier than the day we got married. I know that we've been blessed with two great kids, and I know that things could be so much worse (actually I fear that things are going to get worse before they get better), but I am so frustrated. I feel like we've done nothing but work so, so hard to try and be successful, and we are failing.

Nathan and I overcame a lot of odds just by finishing our Bachelor's degrees, and then I went on to get my Master's degree, and I really thought that these battles would be the hardest fought, but now it feels like we're drowning. I know I'm smart and well-educated, and you'll never meet someone more loyal or hard-working, but I cannot catch a break. WE cannot catch a break. Nathan has sacrificed time and again to support our family, only for this random disease to come out of nowhere and derail all of his hard work. He has given ELEVEN years to a future that isn't going to pan out like he'd hoped and prayed.

It is so, so hard for me to log onto facebook and see other people I graduated with posting pictures of their beautiful four bedroom homes that they bought right after finishing their degree that their parents paid for. It's hard that I see people from high school getting accepted into law school, or getting amazing positions at companies, and I can't find a job.

I have so, so much faith in God. I really do. I trust that this is all for his greater purpose, but that doesn't stop me from crying about it daily. It doesn't take away the doubts that I have that I've made poor decisions by going further into debt to pay for school that isn't even leading to a career.

I honestly don't even know what to do to help myself. I spend almost every night after the boys go to bed e-mailing out resume after resume for any job. I'm "over-qualified" for most, and "under-qualified" for a few, but mostly I'm just wanting to find a job that meets two criteria. I want to help people, and I want to get paid. Not a lot, just a paycheck that contributes enough that my family can pay our bills and have our needs met. I'd like to be able to afford to adopt sooner rather than later. I'd like to be able to buy Christmas and birthday gifts for our siblings and parents.

I know that the other shoe will drop, and I know and trust God's timing, but tonight, I'm just tired.

Please, please, PLEASE do not leave comments telling me about how you know what I'm going through because your husband went one month without a job, or that you know what it's like when you live in a huge (compared to mine) house and your husband is at home. Please, just don't.